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This is England 2010; and Murphy’s law
SPIN SPIN SUGAR
With the exception of the Fiver’s love life C apparently you can get blood out of a stone C you can put a positive spin on pretty much anything. So it was with weary predictability that apologists for the Manchester United Cash Machine today ignored the fact that they had lost 83.6m and instead announced record operating profits of 100.8m. Of course anyone with half a brain cell would realise that such operating profits exacerbate the severity of the loss big-style, but this is England, so good luck with that. Not even during Weird Uncle Fiver’s semi-legendary Blackliver Wednesday has so much money disappeared so quickly.
Most gibbons are too busy wearing replica tops and green-and-gold scarves, genuinely not realising that this is about as contradictory as punching someone repeatedly in the phizog while French-kissing them, to see Authentic Prada Outlet Online Uk what’s going on. Liverpool fans may have made total fools of themselves with that so-bad-it’s-gone-past-good-and-back-to-bad video, but at least they didn’t just sit there nodding like morons. Then again, there’s nothing to worry about at Old Trafford. Of course United still have money to spend! It’s just that, like Ferg says, there’s no value in the transfer market: Rafael van der Vaart for 8m? Adam Johnson for 6m? Wesley Sneijder for 15m? Mesut Ozil Authentic Prada Bag For Sale Philippines for 12.4m? Sami Khedira for 9m? Nope. And there’s no value in JD Wetherspoons either. Lord Ferg said so!
In many ways, Lord Ferg is the biggest villain Authentic Prada Clutch of this story. The Glazers are ignorant parasites, pushing buttons from hundreds of miles away, whereas Ferguson has C deliberately or not, and we’ll let you work that one out, and it’s really not that difficult, honestly folks C watched passively while his love of 24 years is looted and Agatha Ruiz Prada Online Shop abused. Even if he wins title No19 and European Cups Nos four to six, his legacy is compromised; he isn’t fit to light Sir Matt Busby’s pipe.
Of course Ferguson wasn’t available for comment on today’s announcement, having cancelled his Friday press briefings because of something so transparent and spurious that not even Jodie Marsh would wear it. Whatever Ferguson is C and the post-watershed version of the Fiver has a few thoughts on this C he’s not stupid. Which can’t be said of those who will buy the latest Glazer spin.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“That’s complete nonsense. I do not know where this story comes from but it is nonsense. I don’t yet know whether I will stop or continue after this season. Only in the course of this season will I think about it. Then I will decide and not before. For now I keep my focus on United” C Edwin van der Sar today, dismissing reports that he will retire at the end of the season.
“I think Ed has made his mind up and Best Prada Outlet Italy said this is his last year” C United goalkeeping coach Eric Steele, yesterday.
As anyone who has read more than four consecutive words in the press will know, there’s been a wee problem with tackles of late. To sort out the problem, Danny Murphy donned a casual suit last night at one of those fancy banquets and held forth on the subject. Actually, he mainly laid into Liverpool but anyone who has read more than two consecutive words recently will know about that so we’ll stick up for the minority interest.
Interestingly, Murphy doesn’t Bicester Village Prada Refund think it’s the acid nuzzle of Karl Henry’s studs that are the problem C it’s the fault of the managers. “You get managers who are sending their teams out to stop other teams playing, which is happening more and more C the Stokes, Blackburns, Wolves purse,” said Murphy. “Your manager dictates what your players do and how you behave,” he added as Paul Robinson walked around making absurd statements about himself in the third person, John O’Shea refused to talk to anyone who asked him questions he didn’t like and Niko Kranjcar pretended he was a character by talking in a cock-er-nee accent but then acting like a two-year-old when someone made an inoffensive remark about him being a wheeler dealer.
There is one beacon of light according to Murphy though. “If you have a manager like Roy Hodgson in charge you don’t get discipline problems,” he said. “Although you don’t Agatha Ruiz Dela Prada Sale Uk get any points either,” he didn’t add. Fifa’s top medical official Michel d’Hooghe went even further than Murphy, claiming some players are deliberately ruining opponents’ careers. “Some players come on the field simply to provoke injuries in other persons C to break a career,” he told the BBC. “I have two eyes, I can see what happens C how some acts are really criminal.”
However Everton’s Pip Neville had a different point of view. “Ten or 15 years ago when I was faced with a tricky left-winger the first thing I had to do was boot him up in the air,” chuckled Neville, although he didn’t actually speak up until the evening was half over and all the silverware had been tidied safely away.
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“I always thought your references to Fifa sitting around eating fancy food all day in their ‘meetings’ was a sly dig at the amount Black Leather Prada Milano Purse of money in their coffers whilst doing very little to earn it. Then I read [Fifa medical committee chairman] Michel D’Hooghe’s comments about ‘brutal’ tackling and how he’d made a compilation of “hard tackles with dramatic consequences over the last two or three years in the most important competitions in the world. I do not dare to present it, it would take away your appetite” C Andy Berg.
“The topics of yesterday’s Fiver letters displayed a quintessential snapshot of the Fiver-reader demographic: computer games, Americans, lame jokes, 80s goth bands, and cross-dressing. Brilliant. I would also like to make it clear that I fit into the final category C it’s probably the least embarrassing” C Jimbob Baron.
“May I be the first of 1,057 pedants to point out to regular Fiver Letters-botherer and spell-checker’s nightmare, Paul Jurdeczka, that League Two is fully professional. The FA legalised professionalism in 1885, and whilst I’m not entirely clear when the last amateur teams competed in the league structure, it’s safe to assume it was a while ago. You’d think Paul might have heard the news by now” C Ben Graham.
“Regarding the sacking of Toni Schumacher and replacement by Herr Minge (yesterday’s Fiver): the ‘g’ in German is of course hard rather than soft, so you can stop sniggering now” C Phil Swift.
Send your letters to email@example.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver now.
BITS AND BOBS
Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse dept: Liverpool face a nine-points deduction if Agatha Ruiz Dela Prada Dresses Uk the sale of the club Authentic Prada Handbags Outlet Online is blocked and RBS intervenes.
Ha ha ha! Ho ho ho! That’s Juventus general director Giuseppe Marotta responding to claims that Gianluigi Buffon could join Manchester United. “I deny any negotiation with United, Buffon is a Juventus player,” Marotta warned Tuttosport.
And Kevin Davies was underwhelmed at being compared to Mr Em at an England press conference today. “I’m confident in my own ability C I always felt I could do a job at this level and it just never quite happened for me.” And could that be down to Mr Em? “We’ve always been compared … Fortunately for him he’s the one who’s played for England all these years and I think he’s done a good job.” Hmm.
STILL WANT MORE?
Faded funnyman Barry Glendenning picks half-a-dozen clips from people funnier than him in this week’s Joy of Six on brilliant sporting comedy sketches.
Tom Hicks and George Gillett thought they’d found a goldmine at Liverpool, but instead they got a whole world of pain, says Paul Hayward.
James Dart picks his best bets for this weekend’s Football League games (and feel free to tell him the 174 ways he’s gone wrong in the tipping competition below).
And Paolo Bandini reckons Cesare Prandelli is trying everything he can to try and put a smile back on the face of the Italian football.
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